Friday, September 19, 2008

Things You Didn't Know About Melbourne Central

Melbourne Central is a large shopping, office, and public transport hub in the city of Melbourne. The complex includes the Melbourne Central Shopping Centre, the Melbourne Central railway station, and the 211-metre high office tower with its distinctive black colour and two communications masts.
Contained underneath the shopping centre's massive glass cone sits the Coop's Shot Tower which was built on the site between 1889 and 1890. It ceased to be used in 1960. The tower was retained to become a focal point of the centre.
The addition of the railway station to Melbourne Central was controversial for its lack of regard for the animal inhabitants living directly underneath Central, where the station was planned to be built. Extensive animal rights protests proved fruitless, and the construction went ahead.
Met with minimal underground resistance from the goblins, Melbourne Central's underground railway station was completed successfully in 1981 as part of the City Loop railway line still used to this day. Should you happen across a now homeless goblin on a crowded train, it is customary to offer him your seat.

Design and Purpose
The original design of the shopping centre, office tower, and railway station was by Japanese architect Kisho Kurokawa. The shopping centre's original primary tenant was the first Australian branch of the Daimaru department store, which closed in 2002 after a decade of unprofitable operation. The reason for which is commonly attributed to the large number of goblins having taken refuge within the store, making shoppers uncomfortable.
Every Tuesday at 8:40 PM a warning tone is sounded inside and around Melbourne Central, notifying shoppers, pedestrians and goblins that they have twenty minutes to vacate the building and its immediate surroundings. Although this tone seems to cause more people to gather in, than vacate the immediate area, it is a necessary safety requirement. If anybody happened to be inside of the building at 9:00, they would surely be crushed to death by the internal gears and enormous mechanical parts the building requires to transform into Melbourne's 300-metre tall protector - Mecha Central.
Commissioned in March of 1983 as Minister for Defence Gordon Scholes first act in power, Mecha Central was created for the purpose of defending Melbourne against the regular Tuesday night attacks from the sky by the Anti-Humans and their frighteningly large Deathmechachine.
Mecha Central fought this threat every Tuesday night for almost fifteen years before the Anti-Humans decided to focus their attacks on Adelaide, where the 20-metre tall Churchbots - while numerous - are less of a threat.

Mecha Central is now only activated as a tourist attraction, but takes its job very seriously; surveying and patroling the city skies for its nemesis Deathmechachine until daybreak.


  1. Writing a satirical almanac?

  2. mmm ... So, Kangaroos are not allowed to shop at the Centre but Goblins are ? No wonder the Daimaru department store went under.