Pro at cooking

So I made myself some wicked breakfast today and managed to fill the entire house with smoke. Baconsmoke. The smoke detector didn't go off, which is a little alarming. (See what I did there? Alarm, alarming. Like smoke alarm? Man I'm funny!)

The bacon didn't even cook properly. It was on the damn pan for like ten minutes and still didn't look like it was done. How does everybody else manage to do it so well?

And that's my amazing story of breakfast making.